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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27086197">open up my eager eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacenbren/pseuds/jacenbren'>jacenbren</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lego Ninjago</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Voyeurism, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Dubious Morality, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Infidelity, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, Which is a bad idea, basically cole and lloyd having badwrong feelings and discussing them while getting drunk, seriously these two are unhealthy don’t follow their example</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 02:35:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27086197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacenbren/pseuds/jacenbren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re funny,” he snorted bitterly, pouring more whiskey into his glass with a shaky hand. “You really think I’m still a kid, Cole. Wow. Gods, I haven’t been a kid for so fuckin’ long…”</p><p>Cole winced. </p><p>Lloyd was <em> drunk. </em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cole &amp; Lloyd Garmadon, Cole/Lloyd Garmadon, Kai/Zane (Ninjago), Nya/Jay Walker, Past Cole/Jay Walker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>open up my eager eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please don’t follow Cole and Lloyd’s examples of dealing with trauma and unrequited love because neither of them are mentally healthy in this fic</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cole didn’t usually drink. </p><p> </p><p>The whole <em> Kai using alcoholism as a coping mechanism and almost drinking himself to death </em>thing had left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth, and ever since that fateful night when they’d finally dragged Kai’s ass to rehab, Cole hadn’t been able to look at a liquor bottle in quite the same light. But one thing was for certain, he remembered how getting good and drunk could block out your feelings and memories, and well… </p><p> </p><p>Deep down, Cole was glad they’d rigged up a bar of sorts after they’d had to rebuild the <em> Bounty </em> for the upteenth time. </p><p> </p><p>What he <em> wasn’t </em> expecting was for Lloyd to be there. </p><p> </p><p>Cole froze instinctively. </p><p> </p><p>Lloyd was slumped against the bar top in his stool, a dismal, almost angry expression on his face as he absently traced the rim of his glass with a finger. </p><p> </p><p>Cole blinked. </p><p> </p><p>He’d always seen Lloyd as still so young and lighthearted; sure he was their leader but he really was still a kid. It made the sight of the half-empty bottle of whiskey next to him even weirder, especially since Lloyd was <em> technically</em> just a teenager stuck in the body of a grown man. </p><p> </p><p>But he’d had to grow up alarmingly fast over the past few years, and deep down Cole had a feeling that Lloyd’s mind somewhat matched his body again for the first time since... wow, a <em>long</em> time ago. </p><p> </p><p>“Lloyd?” He asked. </p><p> </p><p>Lloyd glanced up at him irritably. “What the hell do you want from me?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole was caught off guard by the acidity in Lloyd’s voice. He’d never heard him talk like <em>that</em> before, but then again all of this was—</p><p> </p><p>“I said, <em> what do you want?” </em></p><p> </p><p>—strange. </p><p> </p><p>“You know,” Cole sighed, settling on a barstool next to Lloyd, “drinking so young isn’t good for you, kid.”</p><p> </p><p>Lloyd cackled and took another swig of his drink. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re funny,” he snorted bitterly, pouring more whiskey into his glass with a shaky hand. “You really think I’m still a kid, Cole. Wow. Gods, I haven’t been a kid for so fuckin’ long…”</p><p> </p><p>Cole winced. </p><p> </p><p>Lloyd was <em> drunk. </em></p><p> </p><p>“You know, now I know why Kai essentially poisons himself for fun,” Lloyd continued. “It makes you feel a little less terrible about yourself. Want some? I mean, if there’s anybody else here who feels like shit, it’s <em> gotta </em> be you.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole flinched. </p><p> </p><p>He hated how perceptive Lloyd could be, but he snatched the bottle and took a long swig out of frustration. </p><p> </p><p>There was a reason he was here, anyway. </p><p> </p><p>“Why’re you awake so late?” Cole asked, if a bit irritably. “Don’t we have—“</p><p> </p><p>“—Training tomorrow, I know,” Lloyd cut him off. “I feel absolutely fucking horrible about being the jealous shithead I am and I know it isn’t warranted so I’m drowning my sorrows.”</p><p> </p><p>He emphasized his point by knocking back the rest of his drink, shaking wavy blond hair out of his eyes and chuckling bitterly. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jealous.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole bit down hard on his lip, struggling not to react. </p><p> </p><p>Jealousy was the reason he was here, and he hated himself so much for it because he <em> knew </em> that it was shitty. </p><p> </p><p>He’d had his chance with Jay. </p><p> </p><p>Jay was <em> happy, </em> he kept telling himself over and over. All he wanted was for Jay to be happy again. </p><p> </p><p>But deep down he <em> knew </em> he was lying. </p><p> </p><p>And Cole <em> knew </em> it was an awful, shitty thing to hope somewhere deep down that something bad happened to Nya so he could get his Bluejay back. </p><p> </p><p>But he couldn’t stop himself. </p><p> </p><p>Every time, <em> every goddamn time </em> he looked at Jay, happy and smiling with Nya, it reminded Cole of what he’d done and how he’d lost him. </p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t <em> meant </em> to sleep with Kai. </p><p> </p><p>They’d both been shitfaced and Kai was horny <em> all the time </em> and some part of Cole was still furious that Jay wouldn’t see it his way and forgive him—</p><p> </p><p>Lloyd giggled. “Careful.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole suddenly realized he’d been squeezing the whiskey bottle so hard that cracks were starting to run through the dark glass. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s the point?” He blurted. </p><p> </p><p>Lloyd arched an eyebrow. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Don’t unload on him you know these feelings are wrong and he’s a kid he shouldn’t have to listen to your badwrong feelings because he’s just a kid— </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. </p><p> </p><p><em> Lloyd isn’t a kid anymore. He’s a twisted… </em> something <em> between adolescence and adulthood and he did it to himself on purpose. </em></p><p> </p><p>“I want Jay back, alright?” he snapped.</p><p> </p><p>Lloyd snorted, fiddling with his glass. “Oh, so you’re jealous. <em> That’s </em> it.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole gritted his teeth. </p><p> </p><p>“Go on,” Lloyd goaded him, an uncharacteristically bright grin on his face underlined with something dark and angry. </p><p> </p><p>“When we broke up I didn’t think we would and I’m still pissed,” Cole mumbled, taking another swig from their bottle. “I thought he’d understand when I went out to the bar with Kai. I didn’t mean to get shitfaced and let him fuck me but Jay got all hung up on the fact that I didn’t stop him and next thing you know we’re screaming at each other and he’s crying and then he’s gone. Forever.”</p><p> </p><p>The words made tears sting in Cole’s eyes. </p><p> </p><p>He hated how happy Jay was with Nya. </p><p> </p><p>He <em> hated </em> it. </p><p> </p><p>And today was goddamn Valentine’s Day and he was pathetically single and lonely and had to watch those two schmoozing over each other <em> all fucking day </em> and Cole wanted to fling himself off the <em> Bounty.  </em></p><p> </p><p>“You’re not alone,” Lloyd sighed. “You’re not alone at all, buddy. Not at all.”</p><p> </p><p>It was quiet for a moment. </p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Cole finally asked, suddenly struck by curiosity. “Are you still not over Harumi, or—“</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t fucking bring her up,” Lloyd snarled, surging into his personal space with feral, almost unhinged rage in his bright green eyes as he bared his teeth, revealing the sharp fangs he’d inherited from his father. “Don’t. Bring. Her. Up.”</p><p> </p><p>It was deathly silent. </p><p> </p><p>“You know what, fuck it, I don’t have anything to lose by spilling my guts out to you,” Lloyd muttered, slumping back against the bar top. “The whole reason I was into Harumi was because I thought that maybe she actually cared. Maybe she loved me and I could forget about how fucking jealous I am. And then she <em> literally </em> stabbed me in the back. Who am I kidding, everybody I trust eventually turns on me. I should’ve seen it coming.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole winced. </p><p> </p><p>He poured more whiskey into Lloyd’s glass without waiting to be prompted. </p><p> </p><p>“I know it’s wrong and I know he sees me as a bratty little brother, but I <em> want </em> him,” Lloyd continued. </p><p> </p><p>Cole blinked in surprise. </p><p> </p><p>“Kai?” He blurted, trying to connect the dots in his head. “Why would you—“</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know!” Lloyd threw his hands up in frustration. “I just… sure he’s a recovering alcoholic and he’s angry and he’d probably freak out if I told him, but I <em> want </em> him, okay? I’m obsessed with him and I want to make it stop because I <em> know </em> how wrong it is!”</p><p> </p><p>Cole heaved a sigh. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Zane.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Lloyd was lusting over Kai and he’d been stuck in purgatory like Cole was because of Zane. </p><p> </p><p>Kai and Zane were in love. </p><p> </p><p>Zane had helped Kai heal, helped him stop his self-destructive habits, and was helping him stay sober, and the two had fallen hard for each other. </p><p> </p><p><em> That </em> was Lloyd’s problem. </p><p> </p><p>And scratch purgatory, Cole was sitting with Lloyd in straight up hell. </p><p> </p><p>“I walked in on them,” Lloyd rambled, tears visibly welling in his eyes. “Sensei sent me to get them for something. Kai had his shirt off and he was in Zane’s lap and they were touching each other and I panicked and ran away because it made this horrible ugly thing inside me want to do something really really bad and… I don’t fucking know! I feel gross! I feel disgusting for thinking what I did back there!”</p><p> </p><p>“You wanted something bad to happen to Zane,” Cole murmured. “Didn’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>Lloyd nodded miserably. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s wrong and I know it,” he growled. “I know it. But I almost did something really bad to him and… I can’t keep living like this, Cole, I just can’t.”</p><p> </p><p>He rested his forehead on the counter and wrapped his arms around his head. </p><p> </p><p>Cole could hear muffled sobs. </p><p> </p><p>He awkwardly reached over to rub Lloyd’s back.</p><p> </p><p>“I get those feelings too,” he mumbled, and it felt strangely liberating to say the words out loud. “Sometimes I look at Nya and Jay and part of me wants to make her... <em>disappear.</em> And it’s horrible and I feel like shit for thinking it and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole decided not to mention what had happened earlier tonight. </p><p> </p><p>He’d been in Jay’s room, hanging up some clothes of his Zane had handed to him while doing laundry to put away, and then he’d heard footsteps in the hallway and laughter. </p><p> </p><p>On instinct, Cole had hidden in Jay’s closet, and then he’d been put through the most painful two hours of his life. </p><p> </p><p>Jay and Nya had stumbled in and started making out against the door. </p><p> </p><p>Cole hadn’t been able to tear his eyes away as they’d somehow made it to Jay’s bed, and Nya was kissing Jay’s neck and Jay was moaning as he unbuttoned Nya’s shirt and that hazy look of lust and happiness in his Bluejay’s eyes had made Cole want to punch something. </p><p> </p><p>But he’d been stuck there, silent and in excruciating pain as Jay and Nya had scrambled out of their clothes and then Cole hadn’t been able to look anymore. </p><p> </p><p>And when Jay had moaned a soft <em> I love you </em> and Nya had said it back—</p><p> </p><p>Luckily they’d fallen asleep and Cole had been able to bolt without a fight breaking out given that he’d literally hid in his ex boyfriend’s closet and almost watched him and the girl who’d liked them both at one point fuck. </p><p> </p><p>He felt horrible. </p><p> </p><p>Cole hadn’t meant to hide, it had just been his instincts kicking in and screaming at him not to get caught. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t realize he’d started drinking from the whiskey bottle until it was empty. </p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes I think about killing myself so I can stop these sick ugly feelings but then I remember that I’d be letting the world down and everybody would call me an attention-seeking whore,” Lloyd muttered. </p><p> </p><p>Cole chuckled bitterly. </p><p> </p><p>“Tell me about it,” he sighed. </p><p> </p><p>He’d thought about ending it all, but the world needed protectors and Cole knew that without him the team would probably fall apart. </p><p> </p><p>Plus, was being bitter and depressed over your ex <em> really </em> a good reason?</p><p> </p><p>“You know, you and I should bang,” Lloyd remarked. “Just this once. So we can get all this shit out of our systems.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole froze. </p><p> </p><p>His alcohol-muddled brain was struggling to catch up. Had Lloyd just asked him if he was down to fuck?</p><p> </p><p>This felt wrong. </p><p> </p><p><em> What the hell are you doing Lloyd is a kid he’s a </em>fucking kid<em> why would you even think about— </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole clenched his teeth. </p><p> </p><p><em> Lloyd isn’t a kid anymore, </em> he reminded himself. <em> He’s physically an adult, and albeit being severely damaged his psyche is definitely a lot older than his real age. Everyone’s considered him an adult for years and he’s been making his own decisions for just as long. </em> </p><p> </p><p><em> But he’s drunk, </em> the little voice retorted. <em> And </em> technically <em> a minor. You’re horrible and disgusting for even thinking about it. </em></p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care,” Cole blurted before he could lose his nerve. At least he had self-hatred and drunkenness to blame this on later. “Do whatever you want to me. As long as I’m drunk, I don’t care.”</p><p> </p><p>He <em> was </em> apathetic, but it still felt wrong when Lloyd smirked and dropped to his knees in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>Cole grabbed a new bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and opened it as Lloyd pulled his belt off and unzipped his pants, looking rather pleased. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Cole,” he said. “You’re such a good friend, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole squeezed his eyes shut. </p><p> </p><p>He took a swig from the bottle of whiskey as Lloyd took him in his mouth, letting the warm fog of intoxication swallow him whole. </p><p> </p><p>Kai had been right about drinking yourself into oblivion. It really <em>did</em> make everything hurt less. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alexa play Mr. Brightside by The Killers</p></blockquote></div></div>
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